Baseball

• Rumor has it that a World Series is taking place somewhere west of where I stay at in D.C. I do believe I saw some bat and ball playing a few days ago and an old man on the mound with dirt on his hand, but cheating never happens in baseball so maybe it was some form of cricket. The bat didn’t look flat like I’ve seen in cricket, but maybe it’s some sort of Americanized version.
• Say what you want about Kenny Rogers, but his Heisman pose-esque stiff-arm last year on that cameraman was something to look up to. Kids all over America will reenact the man who was hated a year ago, but who miraculously recovered from “bad press” and old-man-itus to have his best career moments in this year’s Series.
• I’ve yet to hunt it down, but DJ Gallo started “The Sports Pickle” years back and had a story about Albert Pujols and how little kids would call him “poo-holes.” That makes me chuckle. You want to know what else makes me chuckle? Mitch Hedburg, 400-foot bombs in baseball, Bush-isms and every word that comes out of athletes’ mouths defending accusations that their sports are full of ‘roid-heads.
• I wonder how long it would take for me to become rich and famous if I started popping “greenies,” Andro, ‘roids and other enhancers. Maybe I’m in the wrong business.

Football

• Ben Rothelisberger absorbed a large hit to the chin Sunday against the Falcons and said that one of the players taunted him. I know the game is supposed to be played with vigor, competitiveness and passion, but to talk trash is outrageous. It shows a lack of composure in a sport with already has an overabundance of it. So to those Falcon players, I say: “Play nice.” And to Mr. Ben: “Please remove yourself from the adult football league and place yourself in a church league where sportsmanship is encouraged and — you’ll be happy to hear this, Ben — rewarded. In heaven. God help you if you’re an atheist. Or, may someone help you…
• When asked if he knew which supplement prompted his positive steroid test, Shawne Merriman held strong – “No, I don’t know yet. Even if I did know I don’t think I’d be able to say yet. As soon as I find out, I will.” All of the other steroid users of California (and there are lots, just follow accusations by geography) let out a collective sigh of relief knowing that their secret is safe for yet another day.
• Check the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kicker’s foot for steroids. You don’t go from never hitting a FG from outside of 27-yards to kicking a 41-yarder and a game-winning 62-yarder overnight. Lucky for him, he’s under the invisibility cloak called, “being a kicker.” No one cares. Ask Todd Sauerbrun.
• When the Oakland Raiders beat the Arizona Cardinals Sunday in the “Bottom of the Barrel Bowl” (The BBB, for short) that proved one thing – no single player could’ve helped either team be good. Some teams are just destined to fail. Some men are destined to date whorish heiresses. Some coaches are just destined to be fired.
• No jock can memorize 700 pages of anything. The Redskins need to dummy down their playbook to somewhere around… 7, like last year, when they made the playoffs despite starting the season as horrible then as they have so far this year.

Go read these things, sucka:

• Jim Caple says McGwire deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. I think Cooperstown should revoke every wrong-doer. Steroid cloud surrounding you? Out. Greenie cloud? Out. Hated minorities? Out. Jaywalking ticket? Out. Then there’d be a vacant building for a new school for the kids of Cooperstown. If you object, you hate children, and I don’t think you want to have that label.
• DJ Gallo steps out of his normal satirical style (first time I’ve read any of his pieces like this) and shoots snide remarks at the hefty Notre Dame coach who thinks his team was slighted in the Polls this weekend. I have a feeling that I’ll really despise all ex-Pats coaches. And current. I’ll even despise people name Pat. And pats on the back, friendly or not.
• Even though he’s shifted over to AOL Sports, Jason Whitlock is still the same ole J. He puts the spotlight on Detroit Free Press’s Mitch Albom for not calling out Kenny Rogers for possibly cheating, but instead celebrating the win for his city. JWhit cries “hypocrite” to the award-winning writer who compares Old Man Rogers to Moses. From the Bible. I wonder if Moses used illegal enhancers to part the Red Sea. If so, the comparison stands.

I still can’t get over that Monday Night Football game. It gets to me almost as if I had money riding on the upset.

The man they call “Sexy Rexy” was anything but in the air, just as I knew he would. The man they call “Hollywood Jack” commanded the offense wonderfully all game, scoring multiple times on drives most rookies would fold under leading. But the man I call “The Million Dollar Edge” and the “$2 million dollar a year” (Denny Green cited) offensive line blew it.

If MDE holds onto the late ball, and if the double-o (overpaid offensive – clever, I know) line showed a remote interest in participating in the game’s second half, the upset was theirs for the taking.

But on the positive side, the press conference Dennis Green gave was post-game entertainment at its best. I almost want them to blow a few more fourth quarter leads just to see what Denny will say next. Or who else will get fired. It was a shame the Offensive Coordinator blew the game for them last week. But now that that bad seed’s out of the way, they can get back to that winning culture they’re used to.

Findings That Will Benefit My Picks This Week:

- Of all the games, 8 of 13 ended with teams winning by 3 points or less, 2 ended with teams on top by 10 and 13 points and only 3 were blowouts, still compelling sports. And only 3 were blowouts. That said, by a pure act of nature, the trend will reverse (and we will revisit this). I’ll go out on a limb and say 8 of 13 will be blowouts, 3 wins will come by 3 points or less and 2 will be somewhere in that “purgatory” range of the game being remotely interesting, but you wouldn’t mind getting up and taking that bathroom break that you normally wouldn’t take with the pigskin on screen.

- Trust Denny Green with nothing other than a microphone. They should wire him every game and just have recaps of games voiced by his in-game commentary. When the team inevitably lets another win through their grasps, viewers won’t have to wait until the game ends to hear his entertaining dissent.

Lazy, Unexplained Week 7 Guaranteed Winners

• Detroit at NY Jets
• Green Bay at Miami
• Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
• San Diego at Kansas City
• Carolina at Cincinnati
• New England at Buffalo
• Pittsburgh at Atlanta
• Jacksonville at Houston
• Denver at Cleveland
• Washington at Indianapolis
• Minnesota at Seattle
• Arizona at Oakland
• NY Giants at Dallas