Dear Santa,

I’m a man of simple tastes. This you know from my anemic lists of past. This year will be no different, I promise.

I’d like to apologize for repeatedly joking that I’d tell little kids you aren’t real. I really just wanted to tell that to the bad a** ones so they don’t know that it was you who left the piece of coal (by the way, thanks again for my piece both years of middle school). You might want to stop that and get something a little less fire-related. You’ve already helped raise a few too many pyromaniacs. How about moving on to something like Grape Nuts instead? It’s less flammable and nothing says “stop being a little bastard” like the least tasty of breakfast cereals.

Second, I’d just like to point out that while most of these seem like impossible gifts to conjure up, of all the people in the world with super amazing abilities, only you and maybe Donald Rumsfeld could possibly make them happen.

Thank you in advance,

T.L.H.

* * * * * *

THE LIST –

• A book entitled “T.O.” written by T.O. with an inscription that reads “To T.O. from T.O. — I love me some me. Love, T.O.”
• Just like reviews, two freestyle touchdown dances to be allowed every NFL game.
• One arm-wrestling match with Ed Hochuli.
• A full year of silence from Kobe Bryant (includes writing, sign language, morse code and Braille).
• A minimum of two rounds of drinks seated next to the President of the U.S.A. at a bar in the 70s.
• One date with Angelina Jolie. (Please do not bring the kids, ma’am.)
• For the Washington Nationals to create a massive program introducing baseball to young black children.
• The speed and ability of a young Deion Sanders. (I’ll work on my own tackling drills.)
• One co-starring role in Fight Club 2.
• A move that would send newly traded Allen Iverson to Minnesota, the city where he should’ve gone in the first place.
• For the Saints to win the Super Bowl.
• For the Colts to play those same Saints and have the blame placed on anyone other than Peyton Manning.
• For Barry Bonds to be cleared of all charges and focus to be shifted back to the broad problem of steroids in sports.
• For Isaiah Thomas to “Fade to Black” but unlike Jay-Z, never come back.
• To see the best of the Wahlbergs take on the best of the Baldwins.
• Tickets to the Oscars.
• To see one more quality Mike Tyson fight.
• For Brett Favre to steal Rex Grossman’s starting job next year.
• For all persons (not including referees or umpires) to be kind year-round as they usually are during winter holidays.
• For the NFL to stop policing things that have no business being policed.
• For Will Smith to win the upcoming Golden Globe and Oscar Award for Best Male Performance.
• For George Bush and his Republican army to stop tying tax breaks for the rich in with the minimum-wage increase bill.
• For Congress to spend as much time working on decreasing poverty as they have in decreasing steroids in sports.
• For RC to bring back RC Edge Cola.
• For Musiq Soulchild to release another album.
• Tickets to see John Legend in concert.
• For the “perfect gift” to fall out of the sky to give to my girlfriend.
• Tickets to see Prince in concert – preferably at the upcoming Super Bowl.
• For CBS to be never be allowed to broadcast NFL games.
• For Bryant Gumbel to act mildly interested in the NFL network games he announces.
• For one NCAA Bowl game to even attempt scratch the surface of last year’s Rose Bowl, the greatest ever.

And last, but certainly not least, World Peace. *Miss America wave*

Happy Holidays to you and yours!